Okay, I finally have some time to sit down and write this. I was originally planning to have this out by the end of last week, but I ended up being really busy and the earlier blog post (My Super Scientific Experiment) delayed things by quite a bit. With that being said, I appreciate your patience, let’s begin.
I think it’s best here to start off with a little foundation and context, a concept. The concept I’m about to attempt to explain is a necessity to living an actualized life, what is authentically you. To you - the reader, I am certain that no matter who you are or how you regard life, this concept, when put into honest practice, will become truly indispensable. I will try to keep this short, sweet, and to the point.
Likes and Dislikes
The first thing I want to make clear is that an individual’s likes and dislikes are not necessarily the best indicators of what is best for them. For example, let’s say Bobby really likes ice cream and absolutely dislikes studying, should Bobby only eat ice cream and never study? No, obviously not. Bobby should study enough to do well in school if that is important to him and his future. Bobby should also enjoy the ice cream he eats but also take care to not eat too much as his health will surely suffer. All of our likes can be modeled as cravings, all of our dislikes can be modeled as aversions. It is natural human instinct to chase what we crave and to avoid our aversions. Of course this behavior pattern served us adequately when our main concern in life was survival. However, The majority of humans now no longer have to worry about survival, the priorities have changed. Humans now are more concerned with Living.
Beyond survival, life seems to broadly center around fulfillment, and while I could talk on and on and on about this topic I will keep it focussed to what’s at hand. Now, more so than ever, chasing cravings and avoiding aversions will lead to an unfulfilling life. Back to Bobby, let's go through an example, we will oversimplify it. Bobby likes ice cream, so he eats ice cream and partakes in comfort as often as possible. Bobby does not like studying, exercise or anything he deems uncomfortable, as such he never partakes in either. Over time Bobby almost assuredly, as I am sure everyone can predict, becomes increasingly more obese, increasingly less healthy, increasingly less reliable, increasingly less successful, and increasingly less happy. The ice cream slowly but surely loses its taste, and Bobby slowly but surely enjoys it less and less. Bobby’s decisions are dominated by immediate short term gratifications and avoidance of discomfort, and as such his future is bleak. Bobby’s behavior is highly pathological, he is on a path of deterioration.
So why do I bring up Bobby in the first place. Well its because Bobby is a slave to his likes and dislikes. Which is to say his likes/dislikes solely dictate the decisions he makes. His understanding of the world has little to no bearing on his decisions. His concern for his well-being has little to no bearing on his decisions. His desire to care for and help others, especially his loved ones, has little to no bearing on his decisions. When it comes to chasing his cravings or avoiding his discomforts, everything else is secondary.
Bobby does not respond to his cravings and aversions by making a choice, Bobby reacts to his cravings and aversions with patternistic behavior. Bobby is a slave to his likes/dislikes and his true self sits in the backseat slowly withering away, unnourished and unheard.
Obviously Bobby is an oversimplified case, you would be hard-pressed to find someone who is ruled one-dimensionally by a single indulgence or avoidance, right? Unfortunately no, wrong. People today, people in general have always been slaves to varying emotional states. I’m sure everyone has someone they know that is ruled by guilt, shame, doubt, or most commonly… fear. Some easy examples are:
Jobby who will never try anything new because “he likes what he likes”.
Yobby who never says what people don't want to hear, because he is afraid of how they will react.
Or Chobby who never tells people what she is really thinking (lies) because she feels ashamed of who she is.
It may not seem like it, but Jobby, Yobby, and Chobby can all be modeled as different versions of Bobby, reactive not responsive, chasing things they like and avoiding things they dislike. And just as Bobby’s behavior pattern will generally lead to an unfulfilling life, Jobby, Yobby, and Chobby will all be just a shadow of who they could have been if they continue without developing further.
To be clear, I am not saying that anyone who decides something based on guilt, shame, doubt, etc is destined to live a pathological life. No, I am saying that anyone who is generally reactive rather than responsive to the corresponding stimuli will develop pathological behavior patterns unless things change. An individual must confront themselves honestly, adjust and burn the deadwood that no longer serves them, acknowledge that likes/dislikes are not necessarily what they truly want.
Everyone should ask themselves… In relation to specific stimuli, is my behavior patternistic? Does that behavior pattern still serve me? If the answer is “No”, then why is it still there? With that long explanation over, let’s move on to me.
Why You Should Unfollow Me If You Haven’t Already
As I’m sure you all know, for about 6 years I made my living as a full time streamer. With this, there has always been a strong pressure to conform, to do as the other streamers do, to do as the viewers expect. A constant subtle but somehow suffocating atmospheric pressure. Of course that in itself is difficult enough to deal with, but when it’s tied to your finances it starts to trigger pathways within you better suited to survival.
The mind tricks itself into thinking “It's better for me to just say what I’m supposed to, after all I want to be able to eat this month.” There is a saying I find incredibly valuable, “Doubt often wears the mask of Wisdom.” and when your finances are tied to your self-expression, ordinary and obvious pathological thought patterns start to seem like the wisest of wisdoms. “I’m not lying/manipulating my viewers, I am just setting up healthy boundaries by not telling them the truth.” - The streamer said knowing deep down that they were full of shit.
6 Years ago this wasn’t an unmanageable problem. 5 Years ago it wasn’t a big deal. 4 Years ago it was something that could be dealt with. And 3 Years ago a threshold was crossed. 2 Years ago it became a serious issue. As I’ve said many times before things slowly became more and more polarized. As a side effect, thinking and expressing yourself became more and more policed. People nowadays outright seek others out, shame them, harass them, in an attempt to force compliance, the environment has become extreme.
There has always been a meta to streaming. When I started it was more actual creation, doing cool things and doing it live. For me it was exploration of ideas, having a thought and taking that thought to its very limits, seeing where it went and if it meant anything at all. As time went on things changed. No hit runs! C H A L L E N G E R U N S. Branding, optics! God I remember Squilla streaming 8 hours a day 6 days a week, I remember Kwitty streaming literally all night every night and into the morning no breaks. I remember Hob, with his broken ass RSI hands still pulling off No hit runs, sometimes playing with his fists for hours and hours on end. And I remember the other streamers, the newer ones, trying to make a place, trying to be discovered on the internet. I remember Gino emerging and no one being able to come even close to his capability when it came to runs, and I also remember watching everyone just quietly say nothing when it came time to acknowledge it. I remember when “Affiliate” was created and sub buttons were given out like candy.
Over time the meta became more structured as it became more competitive. If you didn’t stream within certain time slots and for a certain amount of hours, you were missing out. If you didn’t speak highly of people you knew nothing about, you were losing opportunities. If you didn’t play the very superficial social game, you were potentially shooting yourself in the foot. It became less and less about “What Do I want to create today, is my content good?” and more and more about “Are my optics good? Am I positioning myself properly?” It went from expressive to automated and drearily mechanical.
I remember sacrificing sleep and health so that I could stream within a specific time slot. I remember I would stream, with no desire to stream at all, no reason, no intention. I had nothing to offer, nothing creative to share. I didn’t mind streaming, but it was just existing, my purpose was to occupy a space for as long as possible, to “entertain”. After I had done way too many challenge runs, it became just filling a time slot. But not just a time slot, a slot in general. As long as I was playing Souls or a popular game, nothing else really mattered. It was redundancy in a lot of ways, it was monotonous stagnation, and that was the streaming meta. Consistency! The Grind! And whatever other nonsense used to justify the bleak sacrifice involved.
Of course, I did my best to treat it as just another problem that needed to be solved. In the name of progression, I began trying to try and find things that I personally found interesting. Some were hit or miss, some things worked, and some things were really great. The streams where I was compelled, engaged, and enjoyed what I was doing were the best streams of all, in those situations I really didn’t care about the finances, but those situations were few and far between - and increasingly so.
I had slowly, like a frog boiled in water, become a slave to the meta of streaming. I was addicted to it, afraid of losing it, so much so that I sacrificed many parts of my life unnecessarily. Even though I saw this, even though I knew this, it became incredibly difficult to do anything but continue. Why? Finances, Doubt often wears the mask of Wisdom. But it was okay because I made changes, I started to stream more of what I wanted when I wanted. I cared less about my viewer count, my sub count, and more about… “did I do something today that I could be happy and proud of?” I took more rest, and I believe my content became better as a result. I was slowly getting back to myself, and making streaming work in my life rather than my life work in streaming. Slowly but surely the question, “I’m awake, should I stream?” was answered with “Well what can I do today that will serve me, and would it benefit from being streamed? Do I have anything to contribute?” Rather than just a reactive, unthinking, uncaring, dispassionate, “Yes, you need to stream.”
And then something changed.
Then the world slowly, surely, and somehow predictably lost its sense. People warned, yet it happened anyway. The atmosphere changed. People slowly began to lean into their “fragility”. People slowly began to celebrate things that would do them long term harm and denounce things that made the world overall better. This was seen on both the individual and societal level.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover.”
“Judge a man by the quality of his character, not by the color of his skin”
“Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me”
“Intentions matter”
“What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger”
“Treat others the way you want to be treated”
“Adversity is a gift in the eye of the beholder”
These, amongst countless other idioms, were all thrown to the wind. No longer were these concepts regarded as common wisdom but instead draconic and outdated artifacts of a time where people apparently had it all wrong. And we continue to see the consequences. People are somehow afraid to talk, like having a voice conversation with another human, because they can always retreat to the safety of text. The tendency to judge and despise others skyrocketed along with entitlement and the frequency of virtue signaling. Substance evaporated from interactions, instead individuals focussed on “making others feel good” through being pseudo-pleasant and “nice”. Behaviors so far removed from true kindness and compassion it's scary how the concepts are ever even conflated. And worst of all, recently it became somehow acceptable to seek out and find people you disagree with, and attempt to do them some form of harm.
Think about that, how far removed from reality is that? Imagine telling your kid, “hey little Timothy, when you go to school, go talk to as many people (Kids AND Adults) as you can, and if you disagree with someone… Well, throw rocks at them. And Timmy… don't you dare stop until they agree with you or no one else will talk to them. And if someone talks to them Timmy… throw rocks at those people too.” Today, all those little Timmys have become fully grown and they run around seething entitlement and destroying all that they deem undesirable. As if one King Joffrey wasn’t enough.
Now why do I say this? Well the meta of streaming, the structural atmospheric pressure was something that could be handled. This new atmosphere took things to a whole new level. If before the atmosphere felt slightly suffocating, this was drowning in fast-hardening concrete.
A shell, an empty dusty, decrepit shell. That became the expectation. Slowly but surely every single day became an internal battle, every single word became a dangerous choice, a valid hesitation.
“Do I do what I know to be right, do I express myself with honesty and authenticity? Or do I do what I am Supposed to do?”
I understand why the majority of people chose the latter. The price to choosing the former is damage, real damage. Regardless of how you handled it, there was no getting around it, there was no coming out of it unscathed, it was damage. Viewers denouncing you, individual streamers denouncing you, “friends” denounced you, loss of revenue, loss of growth prospects, and even people who agreed with you wholeheartedly, deciding not to be associated with you for fear of consequence. Social suicide, even if you handled it well. Rebranding to that of an Untouchable.
That’s how streaming became, that's how streamers became. I’m sure I’m not the only one who sees it… The departure of very good and level headed people from the platform. And more unfortunately, the almost mannequization of streamers who stuck around. The large majority of streamers began to “believe” the same things, even if they didn’t. They began to have the same political opinions, even if they didn’t. They said the same things, did the same things, and all became increasingly scared, hesitant, and fearful. The majority slowly became compliant cookie cutter cardboard cutouts, for they did not dare risk damage to their livelihood - and perhaps rightly so.
In the majority of internet communities your worth was no longer tied to who you were or if you were a good person, your worth was inextricably dependent on your compliance with the “right” perspective. And boy if you did not comply were you found guilty quick, put up before a kangaroo court and judged - the only way out at that point was prostration, submission, a display of humiliation followed by subservience. Otherwise it was condemnation. Burn the Witch.
Emotional blackmail, financial blackmail. It became an unpleasant choice every single potentially dangerous thought, every single time someone could and would potentially get offended for the “right” reasons - “Do I choose to embody authenticity and express something that I find to be valuable/interesting/funny (Although something humorous has tremendous value in itself)? Or do I placate to the lowest common denominator of fragility?” It would be held over your head, atmospherically and consistently - “Oh you said this? I can no longer watch you. Oh you expressed this? I am unfollowing and unsubscribing. Oh you like this person? That makes you bad too.”
Let me tell you, if there is something that takes someone out of the moment, that works to circumvent authentic expression, it's a barrage of potentially viable doubts that pop up at any possibility of unpleasant emotion in others. And for whatever reason, individuals lean into this concept rather than acknowledge its pathology. Human expression, flourishing, and beautiful creativity is stifled when everyone is hesitant that they might, god-forbid, say the “wrong” thing.
Once again I regarded this as a problem to be solved and did my very best to solve it. I failed. It didn’t matter how much I tried to explain what I saw, the reasoning behind the things I said or did, the utter pathology of the reactive behavior grew and festered like a fatal rot. It didn’t matter at all. The collective leaning into fragility led to crippling symptoms. Symptoms including but not limited to: a desire to have your decisions made for you (avoid responsibility, embrace victimhood), to outsource your thinking, To designate things as bad as good and no in between, to disengage, to avoid rather than to contend and risk the possibility of being wrong. To condemn rather than understand.
To judge every book by its cover, and also color.
To insist that words are violence and from there, somehow, violent retaliation is perfectly acceptable.
To say intentions don't matter, but the subjective feeling of harm a person may have felt does.
To treat ideas and concepts as “unsafe and problematic” and from there insist the people expressing these ideas kill people.
To treat others how you would never want to be treated.
And to regard comfort as king and discomfort the seed of all that is unholy.
I failed to solve the problem, likely because I cannot be the one to solve it. A saying comes to mind. “Do not throw pearls before swine.” - You cannot help anyone that does not want to be helped. Similarly, it doesn’t matter what explanations or how many you give, it will have no effect on someone that has no interest in understanding. Conveniently, I coincidentally took a week off of stream which was followed by another week where I had COVID. This led me to make a decision.
I had three options:
To comply and to be a shallow and hollow version of myself that acted only in accordance to the desires of others (Slave)
to leave a world where each day is increasingly and unnecessarily inhospitable to human flourishing (Let go and move on, and understandably so)
To Kill my Stream (To Break the Chains)
As you likely know by now, I chose To Kill my Stream. Now what do I mean by “To Break the Chains?” Let me explain.
Structurally
The meta of streaming dictated consistency, predictability, and monotony. If not respected, the consequence would be a diminishment of metrics (Social media Success). In response I:
Stopped streaming for ~2 months (streamed roughly 4 times in between).
Only streamed when I wanted to, regardless of emotional states of guilt or fear.
Stopped streaming games I was not compelled to play.
Played games that I enjoyed offline.
Purposely watched my subcount diminish.
Made sure to not “keep up appearances” that may or may not be expected.
Decided the future of my content and disengaged it from metrics and incentive structures.
Felt and leaned into every single emotional state as a result of the above. From there I made sure to feel good about my decision to prioritize my health and well being.
Financially
Everytime I said something that could be regarded as unpleasant or insensitive it ate at me. It was like Pavlovian conditioning. Ring a bell and the dog drools. Express a thought and I wince at the substantial probability of losing finances. In response I:
Secured other lines of income.
Detached myself from any notion of social media finances.
Anything I make off of Youtube, Twitch, or anything else can only be considered as a bonus not as a necessity.
And lastly and most importantly, the crux of this blog post.
Socially
Anytime I explored an Idea, anytime I questioned a narrative, anytime I said something that could be interpreted as insensitive… I was jumped on. Attacked. Emotionally Blackmailed. Dissuaded. Guilted. Accused. Labeled. Judged. Looked Down Upon. Disengaged from. Mocked. Vilified. Demonized. Mischaracterized. Misrepresented. Gossipped about. Hated. Shamed. Blamed. Shunned. And the list goes on. In response I:
Started with Principles
Reinforce Honesty, No hiding, say what I think regardless of result and see where it takes me.
Reinforce Authenticity, The actions and behaviors I choose must make sense to me, there will be no placating others.
Decided to not throw pearls before swine, if someone does not seek to understand me or my actions I will not do the work for them, nor give them the benefit of the doubt.
Decided to share things that I find to be of value, whether that be funny, telling, interesting, of insightful perspective, or whatever else I deemed valuable, regardless of the result.
However, the social problem seemed only to persist. It was astonishing but people acted like addicts, like mosquitos. They hovered around me, constantly waiting to bite and get their fix. Even one individual that I liked decided to denounce me and from there and also bite at me (instead of simply and more sensibly moving on with their lives). It’s incredibly strange to me how this wasn’t seen as harassment, and instead justified by certain “kind and compassionate” parties. But hey, that just meant I needed to lean into it harder.
Consequences to my Choices
Harassment - Break the Chains
Unfollows - Break the Chains
Mischaracterization - Break the Chains
Wrongful Judgment - Break the Chains
Gossip - Break the Chains
No one likes the above social consequences, in my line of work they pack an extra punch. So how do I go about breaking the chains between the consequence and the desire to react to the emotion?
I lean into it. Oh you don’t like when I talk about these things? Okay I will do it more. You don’t like me tweeting about these topics? Well here are three more tweets about said topics. You are concerned I believe things I shouldn’t? Let me show you some full on conspiracy theory topics. You don’t like this person? Hell yeah, let me show you the things I like about them.
Let the consequences roll in and give me excess.
Unfollow - Good
Unsubscribe - Good
Mischaracterize me - Good
Judge me based on Assumption - Good
Badmouth me behind my back - Good
Why is it good? How is it possibly good Faraaz? Those are all terrible things. Well… enduring reader, It’s good because only then can I get used to the feeling en masse. Only then can I be confronted with an unpleasant emotion and respond to it rather than react. Only then will the coercive tactics individuals use to attempt to control my (and others) behaviors and expression be rendered ineffective and meaningless. Only then can I not hesitate to do what I know is right and move freely through my own space.
Unfollow - Hey man that’s okay, probably for the best.
Unsubscribe - No problem, I have enough money to live and am grateful.
Mischaracterize me - No problem, I know who I am and what I think.
Judge me based on Assumption - Ultimately I have to live with the decisions I make, no one else, I know my motives and intentions regardless of the assumptions of others
Badmouth me behind my back - People act like no ones been through highschool before, I’ll do my best to waste as little time as possible on it
Secondly… Well Faraaz, how about all the people that are upset or offended in the process? Isn’t that wrong/bad? Good question, it comes down to this. If someone continues to willingly engage in my content, or the things I say, or the things I express - If someone willingly (and without necessity) puts themselves in situations that they know will result in a certain set of unpleasant emotions… Shouldn’t they take responsibility for the offense/upsetedness they feel? If an individual ran into someone's house and took offense to the fact that the house owners made a habit of smoking marijuana, who’s responsible for the oh-so-terrible feelings of outrage (Hint: probably not the potheads)? No one is forcing anyone to read what I write or hear what I say. Perhaps the individuals who claim harm in the advent of exposing themselves, optionally, to differing opinions, should not be taken in any serious manner whatsoever.
So there you have it, all the thought and theory on what governed my decisions up to this point. Now, the answer to this entire blog post. Why you should unfollow me if you haven’t already:
Because I have decided to place what I deem to be good and true over the opinions of the masses. Because I thoroughly enjoy exploring ideas and thoughts. Because I question as much as I can and prefer to base my decisions on first hand experience. Because I think things and say things that someone somewhere will always find offensive. Because I am stubborn. Because I will push back. Because I can be mean, harsh, and petty. Because at some point in time I will almost certainly be someone you disagree with. Because I treat people with the respect of who they are on their best day and not their worst. Because I don’t see discomfort or unpleasant emotion as necessarily a bad thing. Because I find things funny that I “shouldn’t.” Because your emotions are likely not my fault and they are definitely not my responsibility. Because I’m generally never going to coddle nor appease you. Because I analyze people constantly. Because I generally do not “pick a side” and prefer my own balanced approach.
And I’m not being smug, all the above reasons could potentially lead to very bad situations depending on your worldview. I’ll take it even further. At one point or another I will almost certainly be all the things I am not Supposed to be.
I am/(will be) the conspiracy theorist.
I am/(will be) the (insert)-Phobe.
I am/(will be) the (insert)-ist.
I am/(will be) probably everything you find wrong with the world.
And as long as someone wants any of the above to be true, they will make it true. As Eminem said, “Because I am whatever you say I am, If I wasn’t then why would I say I am?”
So expect me to tweet more things that you don't like. Expect me to push things further. Expect me to be flagrant and inappropriate for little reason. Expect me to be “hateful” and “problematic.” Expect me to be the demon that you think I am or might be. Because none of that is off the table for me. And maybe that's wrong, or maybe that’s exactly what people need.
I will always want myself to do what I believe to be right and good. I believe in an ethic, a system of morality that I have done the work to embrace. It’s something I have thought about my entire life, “How to live a good life.” It’s something I have spent countless days, months, years, contemplating, researching, and exploring. So forgive me if someone forcefully attempts to haphazardly shove their 2-minute morality down my throat and I in response do not immediately eat it up.
Does this mean I won’t listen to criticism or potential worries of others? Of course not. But whose advice do you think I should listen to? Someone who knows nothing about me, has no intention of understanding me, and also demands compliance? Or someone who truly cares about me, is close to me, and has stuck with me through thick and thin. For the latter group of people, I take their words very seriously. For the former group of people… who on earth could say that their words are of any value to me at all?
But back on topic. So let me tell you what I want. I want to live a life I can be proud of. I want as much happiness and joy and fulfillment for myself and all my loved ones around me. I want the best of health for my family and I want as many people as possible to live a truly fulfilling and awe-inspiring life. Because that’s what I think life should be, that’s exactly where I think we should aim. I want to be like the people I admire, and I want people to make as few unnecessary mistakes as possible. I want the unnecessary suffering to be minimized and the optional joy maximized.
I want to look back at my life and say, “fuck that was tough but I did my best and am proud of myself for it.” Instead of, “I wish I didn’t do what I knew to be wrong, what if I had lived my own life?”. I’ve learned far too much about the deathbed mistakes of others to willfully try and make them myself.
So hey, here’s your guilt-free chance, unfollow me - save yourself the trouble and the emotions. I’m not someone who will appease you or be “nice” to you. I’m not someone who is going to play the “Hi, How are you?” game when I have no interest in the implications. Regardless of if I have 69,000,000 followers or just 69, I will prioritize doing and saying what I know to be right and good. Regardless of if I have 6 viewers or 69696969, I will tell you what I think even if that pisses you off. If my twitter account gets banned, I’ll just make another one and incessantly tweet to Hideo Kojima everyday. It doesn’t matter, this is something I have resolved to do and I think it is based in good. Look, no matter what, let’s say I run all of my social media into the ground, it's no big deal… I’ll make things work and will do my best to have fun in the process.
So if you decide to stick around, well… you made your choice so no complaining - that’s on you. But I can assure you that I will always try and apply the lessons I’ve learned in life to all my interactions. That includes the most recent one, to find the joy and laughter in situations, and to really try and bring out the best in others. You might not always agree with me, but honestly its probably because I’m smarter than you and you developmentally peaked in highschool :).
Signed,
Potentially the worst person you will ever have the displeasure of meeting.
Faraaz Khan
I might not agree with everything in this post, but that's okay. I believe your heart is in the right place, and I hope you accomplish your goals. As for unfollowing though....
I think I'll stick around <3
stay strong dude. I don't watch streamers a lot but you are one of the few I do actually follow. and no i won't be unfollowing :)